


You Can Lead a Horse To Temptation...

by SeiryuNoHoushi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Breaking Celibacy Vows, Dirk Strider: Worst Priest Ever, HSWC 2013, M/M, Religion, Tentabulges
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 13:09:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/900678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiryuNoHoushi/pseuds/SeiryuNoHoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate Title: In Which Dirk Strider Becomes a Missionary Priest Sent To Convert Alternia As An Attempt To Forget His Failed Romance With Jake English But Just Ends Up Breaking His Vows When He Ends Up With An All Season Ticket To The Gunshow Also Known as Equius's Hot Body. Featuring Tentabulge Sex, Cute As Hell Moirails, Centaur-Dad Approval</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Lead a Horse To Temptation...

**Author's Note:**

> This work was written as a submission for Main Round 1 "Propaganda" of Homestuck Shipping World Cup 2013. We didn't end up using it, but it's still here!

“Bro. No.” Dave shook his head. “Just no.”

“Dave. You have to call me father now. It’s my title.” Dirk held his arms open. “Now come, my son. Give me a hug.”

“Bro, I said NO. This is worse than those creepy puppets.” Dave backed away.

Not even being a priest could stop Dirk Strider from flash-stepping to catch Dave and give him a bruising bear-hug. “You’re still too slow.” He whispered.

“God. You’re even creepier now. In a weird catholic priest molester way, too.” Dave shuddered. “I’m never going to get that thought out of my head. Why did you even do this anyways?”

“The ultimate irony. Dirk Strider becomes a missionary.”

Yeah. He wouldn’t be sleeping until he got that hug out of his mind. “Ok. So you’re leaving again.”

“Scheduled to go spread the word on Alternia.”

“You’re going to _the troll planet_?”

“That would be the only planet I know of called Alternia. Convincing all blood castes that Troll Jegus is just a poser and Human Jesus is way cooler.”

“Yeah, well good luck with that one.”

“No tears? No touching goodbye? Dave, I don’t know when I’m going to be back. I’m hurt.”

“Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you dumped me off with Mr. Egbert for the last three years for this stupid quest to be the most ironic douchebag ever.” Not gonna cry. Not gonna cry. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Besides, Mr. Egbert was actually pretty awesome once you got past the whole baking obsession. Having a father figure had honestly been a little cool. 

“Hey. _Hey_.” He took hold of his brother’s arm. “I still love you. That wasn’t a thing that ever stopped happening. We’re always going to have each other.”

Yeah. Totally losing it with Dirk hugging him again. Good thing no one was around to see this. 

\---

It was amazing how small the ship actually was. Then again, it was probably only meant to carry a handful of passengers and a pilot. Alternia itself was the least favored destination of pretty much anyone from earth, so it didn’t really surprise Dirk to be the only one boarding the flight. The fact that they were willing to send him out was hard to believe. “They’re really sending you out with just me?” He questioned.

“I’m not just a pilot for your stupid missionary hoofbeast shit.” The dual-horned troll pilot complained. “You’re just an added bonus to the misery that is my return trip. Congratulations on being worse company than what I normally have.”

“Which is?”

“Myself.”

Dirk hauled his bag on to his shoulder, following the troll in. “I’m Dirk Strider.”

“I don’t care who the fuck you are.”

“Alright… And you are?”

The troll grumbled under his breath. Dirk was almost convinced he wasn’t going to get an answer. “Sollux Captor.”

“So.. You’re a psionic, right?

“No shit. You can’t fly from Earth to Alternia in less than a lifetime unless you’re a psionic.”

This guy really wasn’t into making small talk. He vaguely wondered if he was ALWAYS this grumpy. “Any reason you don’t like me or just a general all-purpose loathing for humans?”

Red and blue focused on him in a disgruntled glare. “Nothing personal. Just fucking sucks when you’re forced to pilot charter flights because of the way you were born. I’m the _lucky_ one. My ancestor is still fused into the Empress’s ship.”

Oh. That’s right. He’d almost forgotten that trolls still functioned under this weird Imperialism idea. From the look of his pilot, he was a yellow blood – not very high on the caste system. Combined with his abilities, he would be a perfect candidate for slavery.

Dirk secured his luggage, strapping it down, before taking his seat. “Hold on tight.” The psionic grinned through those odd fangs that seemed to make him lisp just slightly.

\---

“You know, DK. For a human you’re not bad.” Sollux helped with the luggage this time. “Where they have you staying?”

“I’m meeting a Nepeta Leijon here.”

“Shit.”

“You know her?”

“AC is alright. It’s the guy who’s probably with her that’s the problem.” As they descended down the ramp, Sollux groaned. “Yeah. There he is.”

“Hard case?”

“Blue blood. Thinks he’s better than everyone.”

Nepeta Leijon was cute. There was absolutely no denying that. She was almost child-like in size standing next to the troll that Sollux had so many misgivings about. “Welcome to Alternia! We’re pawsitively excited to have you!”

Somehow… She reminded him of Roxy. “Dirk Strider. You must be Nepeta… And this is…?” He held his hand out to tall, dark and handsome.

“Oh! Purrlease furgive me! This is my meowrail, Equius.”

“I’d prefer not to shake hands.” Equius muttered.

“I’m not contagious.” Dirk persisted, hand still outstretched.

“No, you misunderstand. I don’t wish to harm you.”

“I don’t think I’m catching any alien cooties.”

“I mean to say that my exceptional strength is beyond my control. I’m afraid that I would likely break your hand.”

“He’s serious.” Sollux added. 

Dirk forced his hand into Equius’s. “I’m not your normal guy either.”

\---

“I thought I was going to be staying in your… Hive…?” Dirk questioned.

“Well, when Equius purred that I was going to be hosting a human, he insisted that my cave was no purrlace fur visitors. So he offured to take you in!”

The cat puns. They were just.. So. Freaking. Kawaii. He wanted to pinch her cheeks and tell her how adorable she was. Maybe that was why the guy Sollux had warned him about seemed like a big pushover around her? He tried to remember all the information imparted on him about troll relationships. Moirails… That was… That was like best friends, right? 

“Please excuse the mess. Aurthour has been exceedingly busy with other chores.” Equius held the door open.

“Aurtor? Is that a roommate?”

“No, silly! Aurthour is Equius’s Lusus!” Nepeta giggled. “We’re almost too old fur them.”

Dirk opened his mouth to say something, then took in what the mess was comprised of. Robots. Everywhere robots. Some of them looked like they’d been snapped to pieces in hand-to-hand combat. “Oh.”

“Once again, I apologize profusely for the mess.”

Wow. This was nostalgic. Robots, combat and- Dear God. What was that on the walls? “Is that-“ He started.

Equius followed the direction of his gaze, then leaped in between the human and the questionable artwork. “Ah. I’ll have it removed immediately.” His face flushed a deep shade of blue.

Oh. Literal blue blood. Yeah. That’s a thing with trolls. He couldn’t help the grin that surfaced on his face. “It’s fine.”

“No. It would be exceedingly rude of me to leave them up when they obviously offend you.”

“It takes a lot more than that to offend me.”

\---

The first time he found himself praying for strength, it surprised even himself. He’d started taking his vows seriously without even thinking about it, it’d become more than just a great joke that he’d invested so much time into. The problem was now he was being tested, and he wasn’t sure if he was up for that.

Part of what had driven him to this – and he’d never admit it – was Jake English crushing his heart. Jake had played games with his feelings, left him a sputtering mess. The whole idea of priesthood was just one big fuck you to the relationship game. HA. Take that. Dirk Strider is now CELIBATE.

The universe, it seemed, had a sense for his irony and wanted to throw it right back in his face, though. You want celibacy? Alright. That’s fine. Be celibate with sculpted abs in your face every day. Your move, Strider. Your move.

Yeah. Those were some mighty fine abs. He caught himself staring again. It was the middle of what promised to be the hottest night of the year, Nepeta was over and she’d suggested swimming. Didn’t that go against her whole cat theme? He’d asked her and she’d just giggled. Now he was watching the two of them goofing off like it was the most natural thing in the world.

She’d get a little far out and Equius would have a panic attack. She’d pout and swim back in, they’d have a splash war, and once again he’d find himself following water droplets down Equius’s chest. Damn. This was a lot harder than he thought.

“Can a motherfuckin’ bro take a seat next to you?” Now this guy. There was some kind of weird tension between his hosts over him. It’d taken Dirk a little while to pinpoint the fact that the clown-painted troll was higher on the hemospectrum than Equius. Hell if he acted like it, though. “Just gonna kick some motherfuckin’ wicked elixir and get my chill on.”

There wasn’t even a point to trying to convert his backward ass. He believed in that ridiculous clown religion and nothing could probably get through all the chemical-induced brain damage he seemed to have. The guy was pretty much perma-baked. Not only that, he seemed to think “motherfuck” and any variation of it was the perfect adjective for any word.

Still. It was his beachfront property. No point in adding to the already existing situation - especially not when it took a lot of effort just to get the three of them here. He stole a glance at the clown drinking warm faygo. How did he even stand that? Then looked back to Equius and Nepeta. She’d climbed up on his shoulders.

A few minutes later and they were wading in to the beach and by god if Equius didn’t toss his hair like some kind of Baywatch actress in a slow-motion scene. Holy shit Strider. Get a grip on yourself. He chastised himself for both his language and the fact that he was staring again. This, however, didn’t stop him from watching Equius towel off like come kind of creepy stalker.

Oh my god. Dave was right. I am now the creepy molester priest. It is me. He couldn’t help it though. This guy was like a magnet for Strider eyes, all toned, hard muscle and long flowing black hair. His every move was definitely meant to be watched. _I need a long, cold shower to wash off the shame._

“Father Strider, are you alright?” Equius questioned. He was the only one of all the trolls that Dirk had met so far that insisted on using the title, even when he’d told them it was alright just to call him Dirk. “Your face is quite flushed. Are you certain that you don’t wish to swim?”

“Nope. Totally fine.” He tried to clear his mind of all those newly stored beach images and think of something off-putting. _Think of something totally not sexy… Think of something totally not sexy…_ It wasn’t working. The only thing he could think of was how much better Equius would’ve looked rubbed in coconut oil. Universe 1, Dirk Strider 0.

\---

“Father Strider, are you certain you’re alright? You’ve been in there for quite some time.” Equius’s voice was slightly muffled by the door.

 _Shit._ He hadn’t taken a shower this long in years. Still, even the freezing water wasn’t a match for the steaming visions his imagination conjured. “I’m fine.”

“If you need assistance, please don’t be ashamed to let me know.”

Oh god. No. No, no, no. That was just the wrong thing to say at a moment like this. “Please…” He mumbled. “Give me the strength to resist…” He leaned against the shower wall, not sure how much more of this he could take. Why was it everything seemed to conspire against him?

The worst part of the whole experience was by and large Aurthour. The weird centaur guardian should’ve been protective of Equius, but the fact that he could read Dirk like a newspaper didn’t destroy any idea of chasing the blue blood. Aurthour actually seemed to _approve_ of the idea.

Weird Centaur-Dad approval – Check. Cat Girl Best Friend approval – Check. Shitty Clown-Troll approval – Check. What the hell was wrong with this picture? He was here to convert their people to a new religion, but it just seemed he was breaking every vow he’d taken.

He couldn’t hide in here forever, no matter how much he felt like it. That would just be taking the patented ‘Dirk Strider Legendary Infinite Shower’ to a whole new level. Instead, he turned the water off and climbed out, grabbing a towel. Even on laundry day there seemed to be an endless supply of towels here. That was pretty awesome.

He wrapped the fluffy white cloth around his waist, allowing himself a glance in the mirror. His hair was getting a little ridiculous now that it wasn’t swooped up into the over-gelled style of his youth. Not that it mattered. He’d put vanity behind him, right? Yeah. Totally. Because the guy who was daydreaming about boning the troll he was staying with despite taking a vow of celibacy doesn’t care what he looks like at all.

He opened the door with the intention of absconding directly to his room, only to find Equius waiting for him. “Ah. Good. You are alright. You were beginning to worry me.” Instead of meeting broken sunglasses, he met curiously blue eyes. Equius without his shades? There was just something disturbing about that and- Hey. Where are his eyes going?

 _Oh shit. I just caught_ him _checking_ me _out for once._ He had to wonder how many times that had actually happened before. Behind those broken lenses, it was hard to tell exactly what the blue blood was looking at or thinking. “Eyes are up here.”

“Pardon my inexcusable behoofior.” Equius looked away. “I’ve merely never had the chance to… Study the human figure.”

Dirk simply looked at him, stunned for a minute. “…Was that a horse pun?” 

“I apologize-“

“Don’t. It’s actually sort of cute.” Yeah. So on top of the hot body, he has the potential to be just as endearing as Nepeta. Universe 2, Dirk Strider 0.

\---

He crumpled the letter in one angry fist. Fuck you universe. You don’t even get a point for that one, that’s how bad it was. Jake English, perpetual moron, had sent him a letter. _Jake English_. He’d only run halfway across the world, attended a fucking clerical college, and then run to the other side of the universe to get away from Jake English. Jokes on you, Strider. You’re never getting rid of that big ass mistake.

He threw the crumpled ball on the floor and stomped on it. Childish? Yes. Effective? A little. He tried to regain some of his cool but, nope. Still flipping his shit.

The noise drew unwanted attention. He took a deep breath and tried to recompose himself. It was just Aurthour after all. The dutiful combination of butler, father, and cow was offering him a glass of milk. Apparently, this was something that Equius enjoyed when he was in the same sort of mood – Dirk had in fact seen Aurthour make the same offer to the troll during a bow-breaking rampage.

“Thanks.” He managed, taking the glass. The first time he’d realized exactly where the milk came from, he’d been weirded out. Now it didn’t faze him.

The lusus tilted his head questioningly. He didn’t speak, but his expressive human torso made it somewhat easier to communicate.

“What?”

Aurthour made a symbol that might have been a spade with his fingers, then lifted his arms into a ‘who knows’ shrug. He finished by tilting his head and fixing his gaze on the crumpled ball of paper.

“No, no. Not a kismesis. An old Matesprit. I’ve been trying to get over him for a while now.”

Dirk was distracted from the combination of heart symbols and complicated gestures Aurthour began making when a shadow fell in the room that hadn’t been there a minute ago. Equius simply stood in the doorway watching his Lusus’s attempt to engage in conversation.

“I heard a noise and thought I should examine the source…” Equius’s face was once again masked by shades, making it hard to read his expression. Regardless, Aurthour instantly stopped mid-gesture, hiding his hands behind his back and turning to face his charge. “I trust that you’re not being bothered, Father Strider?”

“Actually, I was just getting some fatherly advice.” He watched Aurthour motion his head toward Equius and offer a secretive heart symbol.

\---

The final straw, it turned out, didn’t involve a front row seat to the gun show – or for that matter any part of Equius’s physique. It was honestly something so innocent, Dirk couldn’t believe he was throwing out three years of training over it. It was the sort of thing you did when a child came crying to you, for god’s sake.

The robot’s harsh metal had scraped the troll’s knuckles. Not badly – and Dirk was sure that Equius was used to it. Still, it brought back memories of early years with Dave. Without a second thought, he had grabbed the troll’s hand and kissed the injury.

They’d looked at each other speechlessly at first, Equius’s face flushed completely blue. Apparently, that wasn’t something one did in troll society. “Father Strider… I only find it fair to warn you that pity is an emotion used in troll romance…”

It seemed like time had skipped because the next thing he knew, he was kissing the blue blood. Vows be damned. The whole idea had been stupid anyways. What had he been thinking? He should’ve been drowning English out like this in the first place.

He straddled the troll’s lap, finally pulling his lips back. “Still curious about the human body?” He guided one of Equius’s hands up to the collar of his shirt.

“Father Strider…”

“Dirk.”

“Dirk…”

“If you don’t want this, say no. Otherwise-“ He didn’t get to finish that sentence, interrupted by the ripping sound of his shirt being torn off. Yeah. He wasn’t turning back now. He balled his hands into the troll’s tank top and yanked it off. There was absolutely zero chance of him not enjoying those abs he’d been craving now.

He started with kisses at the base of Equius’s neck, working his way downward, enjoying the way the troll quivered under his lips and tongue. Firm muscle all the way down. The noises coming from the object of his affections were just as encouraging. 

If he had to be honest, he wasn’t entirely familiar with troll anatomy. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t prepared to get a first-hand lesson. 

How many layers of clothing did Equius need? He was slightly frustrated by the troll’s over-the-top fashion sense now that it was a hindrance. Finally he wrestled the last layer off. He raised an eyebrow, taking in what he had to work with.

Bulges were apparently self-lubricating. That would make things a lot easier. He hadn’t exactly thought ahead for this situation. He ran his lips along the swollen blue length, teasing with a single slow lick.

“ _Dirk._ ” The troll made a soft keening sound.

He slowly ran a hand down Equius’s side before pulling himself back up to blue-tinted lips again. He unfastened his belt with one hand, never letting the other stray from the muscular chest of his new-found lover. 

The button popped off his pants when the strong troll slid his hands underneath the band. Equius opened his mouth to apologize for destroying Dirk’s clothing, but found it hard to talk around the tongue that invaded instantly.

Troll teeth were full of sharp, jagged edges and this was no exception. The dangerous feel of them under his tongue, however, was exciting. A soft moan escaped his lips as he felt strong hands give his ass a gentle squeeze. _We’ll get to that in a minute…_

He let his fingers lightly drift across skin before taking hold of Equius’s bulge. He gave it an experimental pump, marveling at exactly how slick it was. 

No. No way. This was too much like torture. Regardless of how hot sexual torture _could be_ , this was not the time for it. He wasn’t even sorry when he ripped the last of Dirk Strider’s clothing into pieces.

“Whoa. Hold on…” The blonde seemed genuinely surprised in the shift of power.

“Dirk. You are certainly going about this at an excruciating pace, and while I can appreciate that fervor may result in injury-“

“Wait. Did you just call me _slow_?” Oh no. HELL no. Dirk Strider and the word slow weren’t even on speaking terms. He’d even blazed through seminary school. 

“I may have implied that your speed is unaccepta-“ The rest of the word came out as an approving hiss as Dirk’s hand worked up and down his shaft. 

“Alright. Fine. Strider Ass visiting hours are now open. Please provide proof of identity and submit to a strip search before-“ The long-winded speech he’d intended to deliver was cut short as Equius’s hand wrapped around his own, guiding bulge to waste chute. “Fuck…”

“That is my intention, assuming that you can cease the udder nonsense-“

Cow pun? Well shit. “Take me, Mr. Zahhak. Take me now before I swoon into your rippling arms at the suaveness of your linguistic skills!” How _had_ he made it through a Roman Catholic college when he had enough sass to detour even the most hardhearted nuns? Well, that thought didn’t matter. All he could think of right at this instant was writhing tentabulge forcing its way in.

Yeah. That felt… Weird. Not bad weird, just different. Still pretty sexy despite awkwardness. The combination of tapering and self-lubrication actually seemed to make trolls ideal for this sort of escapade. The whole thing must have left a strange expression on his face, because before he knew it, he was being questioned. “Are you alright? I-“ Equius gasped as Dirk tested flexing his glutes.

“I don’t know. Am I alright?”

“That is… Perhaps too weak of a word.”

Maybe the whole bravado that he was stronger than a normal human had been a bit much. He could definitely feel Equius’s hands clenching his hips tight enough to bruise. _Good thing I don’t have any plans to don the short-shorts of a dastardly male adventurer…_

Even that fleeting thought, connected vaguely to bad feelings, left his mind as he rocked against Equius. The only thing that mattered was writhing troll flesh in unaccustomed places. Well, that and the fact that the steamy, sweaty troll connected to said writhing flesh was now exploring the uncharted territory of Dirk Strider dick with uncharacteristic gentleness.

Equius returned his hands to Strider’s hips in a bone-crushing grip. _Holy shit. He was serious. He could_ break _me._ Somehow, that added to the whole experience. 

Dirk collapsed against Equius’s chest. “Fuck you, universe. You win. I wasn’t cut out for this priest shit.”

“Dirk?”

“Yeah?”

“As much as I would love to continue this embrace, doing so in the rumpusblock may cause some problems.”


End file.
